Metal Gear Solid: Snake is EATEN
by Stratikeo
Summary: This is another hilarious parody of Metal Gear Solid 3. Read at your own risk. No schoolboys were harmed during the making of this fanfiction.
1. Scandalous Mission

**Metal Gear Solid: Operation Snake Eaten**

By dacop

(...no affiliation with the Ateneo Grade School even though I studied there... oh yeah, that school IS historic so can screw me for all I care...)

_**Chapter 1: Scandalous Mission**_

Zero: Snake?

Snake: Yeah.

Zero: Ready for this?

Snake: Yep. What's it?

Zero: The Philosophers developed some sort of Virtual Reality machine thing... of some sort I think.

Snake: And? What's the mission about?

Zero: Look, we feel that you're not quite shaped up that much yet. This revolutionary device will allow you to go through a whole mission with just a visor, and a PS2 controller...

Snake: PS2? Controller? Major, what the hell are you talking abou-

Zero: Alright Snake. Climb onto the seat.

Snake: -climbs on what looks like a recliner-

Zero: Put in this visor and then brace yourself.

Snake: -puts on the visor and turns on the "on" button- Ok. Now what?

Zero: Press the start button on your controller.

Snake: Look, Major. I have no idea what you are talking about so please expla-

Zero: I said PRESS IT!!!!

Snake: Fine, fine.... -presses a random button and it happens to be the start button-

Snake: Wow... this feels almost real.

Zero: Soon, you'll be asleep and your entire consciousness will be focused on the game. Did you understand that, Snake? If you die in the game, your body thinks you're dead... and you also die in real life.

Snake: You said this was safe....

Zero: No I didn't, dumbass...

AND NOW, DACOP PRESENTS ANOTHER INSANELY IDIOTIC YET FUNNY FIC!!!

METAL GEAR SOLID: OPERATION SNAKE EATEN

**(In the briefing room)**

Zero: We've got a serious problem, Jack.

Jack (Snake): What now? Rescuing some weak guy but he ends up being captured and tortured to death somewhere in the end?

Zero: Errr... something like that.

Jack: Count me out.

Game: MISSION FAILED... TIME PARADOX

Snake: Nooo! I must continue! -picks continue-

Zero: Errr... something like that.

Jack: I'll do it, but I have to kill you first! -shoots Zero-

Game: ZERO IS DEAD... TIME PARADOX

Snake: Ahh, shit... -picks continue-

Zero: Errr... something like that.

Jack: Ok, ok... I surrender. I'm in.

Zero: Good. You'll be transported to your mission drop point via Cathay Pacific Airlines.

Jack: Oookay. First class?

Zero: No. Actually, you'll be riding with the cargo.

Jack: Damn...

Zero: Anyways, the codename for this mission, Jack... is the Virtuous Mission.

Jack: Is this some kind of initiation?

Zero: Not quite. This isn't a training op.

Jack: "Virtuous Mission" sounds a little "lame".

Zero: What do you propose we call it then?

Jack: We'll name it... "Scandalous" Mission.

Zero: -snickers-

Jack: What???

Zero: Nothing...

Jack: I learned that word yesterday at Sesame Street. Isn't it cool?

Zero: -snickers more- Ok, ok... enough, Jack. Onto your debriefing.

Jack: I'm taking down notes. -takes out a little notebook and a number 2 pencil-

Zero: Apparently this famous scientist named Doctor Sokolov is being held up by seventh graders in a remote jungle.

Jack: Wait, wait wait... did you say seventh graders?

Zero: Yes... seventh graders.

Jack: -laughs so hard he falls over his chair-

Zero: Okay, when you're done laughing... we'll continue.

Jack: -laughs so hard that he dies-

Game: SNAKE IS DEAD... TIME PARADOX

Snake: I hate my life... -picks continue-

Zero: Okay, when you're done laughing... we'll continue.

Jack: -stops laughing but fails... and his stamina bar is only 10 percent-

Zero: You're hopeless... -shoots Jack-

Game: SNAKE IS DEAD... TIME PARADOX

Snake: This isn't good for my reputation... -picks continue-

Zero: Okay, when you're done laughing... we'll continue.

Jack: -immediately shuts the hell up-

Zero: Anyways, these seventh graders are armed...

Jack: But they're... SEVENTH GRADERS!!!

Zero: Yes... scary, isn't it?

Jack: You've gotta be kidding me.

Zero: I'm serious. You have to watch out.

Jack: Ffffttt...... yeah right.

Zero: Anyways, your mission is to retrieve Sokolov, and escort him to safety.

Jack: Got it.

Zero: We'll leave the base at exactly 12 noon.

Jack: 12 noon?

Zero: Right. 12:10 to 1:00, those seventh graders will be on their lunch break.

Jack: Cool.

**((At the carrier))**

Zero: Are you ready to make history? This is the world's first HALO jump.

Snake: There's something I needed to say, Major...

Zero: What is it, Snake?

Snake: I'm afraid of heights.

Zero: ...Billy, shove him off.

Billy: Roger that, Major. -pushes Snake off-

Snake: AAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! -screams like a little girl while falling-

Zero: Now, remember to activate your parachute once you're near the ground.

Snake: AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Zero: Snake?

Snake: AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Zero: SNAKE!!! Are you listening?

Snake: AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Zero: Nevermind... goodbye, Snake.

Snake: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH- -hits the ground and dies-

-SPLAT-

Game: SNAKE IS DEAD... TIME PARADOX

Snake: This isn't real... this isn't real... this isn't real... -picks continue-

Snake: AAAAAHHHHHH!!! -he accidentally pulls the parachute cord-

-FOOOT-

Snake: Whee! I'm hovering over the jungle!

Zero: Now, just aim for that spot of land just near that cliff.

Snake: Gotcha.

-Snake aims for the cliff but he hits the side of the cliff and falls to his death-

Snake: AAAAAHHHHH-

-SPLAT-

Game: SNAKE IS DEAD... TIME PARADOX

Snake: Wow... I get to repeat my death sequence all over again... ahaahaha. -picks continue-

Snake: I know! I'll head for those trees there. At least the ledge there is lower so I won't fall to my death again...

-Snake passes through the trees but his belt loop gets hooked by a tree branch and he hangs from the branch... he's also upside down...-

-Snakes calls Major Zero.-

Zero: Yes, Snake?

Snake: I reached the landing point.

Zero: That's good, Snake. Now rescue Sokolov.

Snake: Umm, I have a little problem here...

Zero: What is it? There should be no enemies around.

Snake: My belt loop.... it's tangled on this tree branch, and I'm hanging from it.

Zero: For heaven's sake, Snake... can you be any dumber?

Snake: The blood... is rushing to my head...

Zero: Okay, okay... don't panic.

Snake: I'm panicking... I'm panicking!!

Zero: Calm down, Snake... you can get out of this.

Snake: Major... you're not helping!!! -is slightly swinging around-

Zero: Okay, are your hands mobile?

Snake: Yes.

Zero: Okay, go to your survival viewer?

Snake: Survival viewer? What the hell is that?

Zero: Press the start button.

Snake: Start button? Oh yeah... THAT BUTTON.

Zero: Now select "Purse".

Snake: -selects "Purse"-

Zero: Now equip your "Survival Knife".

Snake: Who the hell keeps a knife in a purse?

Zero: What kind of guy HAS a purse, Snake? This isn't the time for your dumb questions. Now equip the damn knife!!!

Snake: Major... did YOU give me that purse?

Zero: ...

Snake: Answer me!

Zero: I wouldn't know.

Snake: I hate you.

Zero: If you won't shape up, I won't tell you what to do next.

Snake: .... -grumbles-

Zero: Ready?

Snake: OK! OK!! JUST TELL ME ALREADY!! I got the knife equipped, so now what?

Zero: Well...

Snake: So, I'll just cut the vine, or the belt loop?

Zero: No. That would be dumb.

Snake: Why? That's the only way I can fix the problem... helooooo??

Zero: No. There's a better way.

Snake: What?

Zero: Press the square button.

Snake: The square, what?

Zero: It's that button with the pink square on your controller.

Snake: Oh. -presses it-

Snake: -his body moves suddenly and his arm uses the knife to cut off the tree branch he's currently stuck on-

Zero: There. Isn't that better?

Snake: -is on the ground on his bottom- Wow. That's cool, Major. Where did you learn that from?

Zero: The Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater official game guide.

Snake: What?

Zero: Nothing... nothing.

Snake: You're weird you know.

Zero: Oh yeah, I want you to meet your mission advisors.

Snake: Mission advisors?

Zero: Snake, this is Para-Medic.

Snake: Para... Medic?

Zero: Yes, Snake. She will be the one in charge of your health throughout your mission.

Snake: So she's kind of a doctor... wait, did you say SHE?

Para-Medic: Anything wrong with that?

Snake: Nope.

Para-Medic: So what's your name, Snake?

Snake: My name? It's uhh... John Doe.

Para-Medic: And they call you "Jack" for short?

Snake: ...

Para-Medic: You know, you're a typical Captain Nemo.

Snake: And what's YOUR real name?

Para-Medic: Jane Doe.

Snake: Very funny...

Para-Medic: I'll only tell you my real name if you tell me yours.

Snake: I'll only tell mine if you answer me one question... and if you answer it correctly.

Para-Medic: Okay, shoot.

Snake: Are you with Major Zero right now?

Zero: Yes, she IS with me.

Snake: Wrong answer.

Para-Medic: Damn.

Zero: Anyway Snake, I want you to meet your second mission advisor.

Snake: Who is it?

Zero: Remember that scruffy, fat, and geeky kid at the video game store?

Snake: Yeah.

Zero: Well that's him.

Snake: WHAT????

Zero: Well, he's also a seventh grader, so he knows a lot about your... "enemy".

Snake: I see.

Stratikeo: What's up, Snake? I'm Stratikeo.

Snake: Stratikeo... nice code name.

Stratikeo: Thanks, man.

Snake: That wasn't a compliment.

Stratikeo: Oh... well I'm the game master here. I'm better in this game than anybody else.

Snake: What game? This is a mission, damn it!

Stratikeo: Mission... game... it's all the same to me, Snake.

Snake: I gotcha... so you're like my mentor for this mission.

Stratikeo: That's right.

Snake: Cool.

Stratikeo: Okay, Snake... try to remember some of the basics of CQC.

Snake: Oh yeah, I developed CQC along with The Boss...

Stratikeo: Yep. And I mastered the use of the Circle and L3 button.

Snake: What?

Stratikeo: Nothing... nothing.

Snake: Alright... commencing Scandalous Mission... now.

Oh noes! Snake has finally begun the Scandalous Mission! What troubles await him along the path to peril? Find out next... on Metal Gear Solid: Snake Eaten!


	2. Sokolov

**Metal Gear Solid: Operation Snake Eaten**

By dacop

**_Chapter 2: Sokolov_**

**((Dremuchij South))**

Snake: Where should I be headed?

Stratikeo: Sokolov should be north.

Zero: He's right.

Snake: Hey, Major... what's YOUR codename?

Zero: Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you... I need you to call me Major Painendeass.

Snake: Painende-what? -scratches head-

Zero: Major Painendeass.

Snake: Oh.

Para-Medic: Be careful, Snake... there might be some dangerous creatures that might harm you. It's a jungle out there, Snake... take care of yourself.

Snake: I will.

**((Dremuchij Swampland))**

-Snake walks through a grassy path, and stumbles upon a thick swamp.-

**(Call from 140.85: Major Painendeass)**

Major: Snake?

Snake: What?

Major: That's a thick swamp right there.

Snake: I've seen these before, Major.

Major: I know... make sure to run... errr... WALK, like hell if you want to go through it.

Para-Medic: Or you won't be finishing the mission anytime soon...

Snake: Whatever...

**(Call Ends)**

-Snake walks through the thick swamp thing... but then a magpie lands on his head.-

Snake: -still in the middle of the swamp- Argh! Stupid bird! Get off me!

-Snake drowns because he spent too much time in the middle of the muck.-

Game: SNAKE IS DEAD... TIME PARADOX

Snake: Argh! This stupid game is too realistic for me... -chooses continue-

-Snake walks through the swamp thing again but makes it through-

Snake: -sees an Indian Gavial- Aww... look at the pwetty lizard!

**(Call from 145.73: Para-Medic)**

Para-Medic: SNAAAKE!!!!

Snake: WHAAAAAT???

Para-Medic: Don't move!

Snake: Why?

Para-Medic: That's an Indian Gavial, not just some lizard, you bonehead!

Snake: Aww, look at it; it's chewing on my leg...

Para-Medic: ...you should feel the pain in...

Snake: It's shooo kuhyoot!! Whosh the widdle croc? Ish you! Yesh, ish you!

Para-Medic: 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...

Snake: It's so, so... AAAAHHHH!!!!

-snake dies from bleeding to death-

**(Call Ends)**

Game: SNAKE IS DEAD... TIME PARADOX

Snake: Ok... that was just dumb, but I can just keep on restarting... right? -selects continue-

-Snake goes through the grassy path, the swamp, and avoids the Gavials.-

**((Dremuchij North))**

-Snake kneels down on the grass, and takes out his binoculars.-

**(Call from 140.85: Major Painendeass)**

Major: Snake. Remember, this is a STEALTH mission.

Snake: So, I can't be seen. I know.

Major: Those are sentries, right?

Snake: Right... they're armed with... notebooks... pencils...

Major: Anything else?

Snake: ...AK-47s... and grenades.

Major: Remember... killing them isn't the only solution.

Snake: I gotcha.

**(Call Ends)**

-Snake sneaks up to the schoolboys, trying to grab them...-

**(Student: "RED !" on head)**

Student: Hey!! -calls on radio- This is the prefect! We got a situation here!

**(Alert Mode)**

Snake: Oh crap...

Student: Don't move, you filthy American! -takes out his rifle-

Snake: Seriously, what can a silly schoolboy like you, do to me?

Student: -whoops Snake's ass with CQC and finishes him off by emptying his magazine on his broken-boned corpse-

Game: SNAKE IS DEAD... TIME PARADOX

Snake: Wow... he's good. -picks continue-

-Snake takes out his binoculars and comes up with a strategy... unfortunately it was a stupid one...-

Snake: HEY!! FREE ICE CREAM!!

**(Student: "!" on head)**

Student: Who goes there?

**(Caution Mode)**

Snake: OVER HERE!!! -waves-

**(Student: "RED !" on head)**

Student: An intruder! -aims at Snake-

**(Alert Mode)**

Snake: What? You don't like Chocolate?

Student: -throws a pen at Snake's head, killing him instantly-

Game: SNAKE IS DEAD... TIME PARADOX

Snake: Okay, this is getting really lame... really fast. -picks continue-

Snake: -he activates his radio-

**(Snake calls 141.80: Stratikeo)**

Stratikeo: What's the problem?

Snake: For middle school students, they pack quite a punch...

Stratikeo: Have you forgotten? Once CQC is rendered useless, it's time to use camouflage.

Snake: Camouflage?

Stratikeo: Yes. Go into your Survival Viewer and select "Camouflage". The only uniform you have now is Leaf, and Shit.

Snake: Okay...

Stratikeo: Well there are a lot of brown-colored rocks there. Select Shit from the Camouflage menu.

Snake: Got it.

**(Call Ends)**

Snake: -puts on the Shit camouflage and pastes him against the walls-

-Snake sneaks by the two prefects without them noticing him...-

Snake: -sings- La la la... I'm just some shit on a rock... no need to notice me... eedee dee dee doo doo...

**(Student: "?" on head)**

Snake: Yes... I got past those morons...

**((Dolinovodno))**

-Snake kneels down again, and looks through his binoculars.-

-He sees a student down below, and a hornet's nest above him... he smiles.-

Snake: -shoots the nest and it falls... the hornets scare the student and he runs away-

**(Student: "!" on head)**

Snake: Heheh... jackass.

-Snake slides down the ledge but then some hornets are still there.-

Snake: Uh oh... AAAAHHH!! -runs but then he slips and falls into the river below, instantly dying a most painful death-

Game: SNAKE IS DEAD... TIME PARADOX

Snake: ...you know, I'm not going to say anything. -picks continue-

-Snake kneels down, and shoots the hornet's nest. The hornets scare the living crap out of the guard students and they all run away... Snake plans to kill some time so the hornets would go away.-

**(Student: "!" on head)**

**(Snake calls 140.85: Major Painendeass)**

Major: Yeah, Snake?

Snake: Hmm... I wonder. I thought these students were supposed to have a lunch break...

Major: I'm afraid you're misunderstood. They ARE on lunch break. It's just that there are just some prefects walking around to make sure Sokolov is still safe.

Snake: Figures...

**(Call Ends)**

Snake: Good... the hornets are gone. -slides down-

Snake: I scared them pretty good... and HEY, there's a hornet's nest here... it's all empty.

**(Call from 145.73: Para-Medic)**

Para-Medic: Snake?

Snake: Mmm?

Para-Medic: That's a Baltic Hornet's Nest you got there.

Snake: What's so good about it?

Para-Medic: What's NOT good about it? Though it looks empty, there are still some drones and worker hornets you can eat. They're nice and crunchy.

Snake: Nice... a good afternoon snack... perfect for a soldier.

Para-Medic: Not only that, the honey inside is delicious! It contains many nutrients. In other words, it's the perfect survival food!

Snake: Sweet...

Stratikeo: Uhh... Snake?

Snake: Stratikeo! What's up?

Stratikeo: You know... there's a probability that we're going to meet each other real soon.

Snake: And?

Stratikeo: Come on, Snake! Save some for me!

Snake: No.

Stratikeo: Selfish bastard...

Snake: Whoop-dee-doo.

**(Call Ends)**

-Snake slowly crosses the drawbridge and heads for the old factory.-

**((Rassvet))**

-Snake looks through his binoculars again and sees more students.-

Snake: Some tight security THEY have... feh.

-But then, Snake sees something slithering around his feet.-

Snake: -tries not to scream-

**(Call from 140.85: Major Painendeass)**

Major: SNAKE!

Snake: Wh-wh.. what?

Major: What's wrong?

Snake: There's... a... snake... on... the... ground...

Major: You're such a wimp, Snake! Shoot it with your tranquilizer!

Snake: Oh yeah... -shoots the snake and it falls asleep... Snake grabs it-

Para-Medic: Wow! You just caught a Reticulated Python!

Snake: Wow! I don't believe it! A Reticulated Python! Betcha-by-golly-wow!

Para-Medic: Yup!

Snake: ...what's a Reticulated Python?

Para-Medic: -sweatdrops-

Snake: Well?

Para-Medic: It's some snake that dwells around that area.

Snake: So is it TASTY?

Para-Medic: I don't think so.

Snake: Well... crap.

Major: Hey Snake! Come on... you gotta eat something!

Snake: I'm saving my hornet's nest for dessert and I gave my calorie mates to some dog before the mission.

Major: Well... you've eaten a snake, right?

Snake: Yeah... in survival training. I dunno if I'd order one in a restaurant but...

Major: At this point, you don't have much of a choice... don't you?

Snake: ...it's a piece of crap. -throws snake at a guard and to Snake's surprise, it scares the living hell out of the student guard-

-The scared student guard runs into a wall, and dies.-

Snake: Wow... it's kinda lethal. Ha ha ha.

Para-Medic: Umm, I made a mistake, Snake. The Reticulated Python actually tastes INCREDIBLY DELICIOUS.

Snake: .......

Para-Medic: You just threw away a good meal.

Snake: ...I hate you.

**(Call Ends)**

-Another student sees him-

**(Student: "?" on head)**

Student: What's wrong? -kicks his fellow guard-

-He sees that he's dead-

Student: What?? He's dead!! -looks around and then calls on his radio-

Student: HQ! The enemy is firing from an unknown position! Requesting backup!

**(Caution Mode)**

Snake: Whoopsie... -hides behind wall-

-Snake crouches so his shadow isn't seen very much-

Student: He's gotta be around here somewhere!

Snake: I'll call Stratikeo... he'll know what to do.

**(Snake calls 141.80: Stratikeo)**

NO RESPONSE

Snake: What the?!? Major Painendeass! Where's Stratikeo?

Major: We have no idea. We lost contact with him about a few minutes ago.

Snake: Damn it...

**(Call Ends)**

Student: Oh well... he must have been scared to hell by a snake and run into this wall and died because of forced blood trauma to the head. FALSE ALARM!!!

**(Normal Mode)**

Snake: Well... THAT was relieving.

-Snake ACTUALLY sneaks by all five guards and knocks at Sokolov's door-

KNOCK KNOCK

Snake: Sokolov? Are you there?

Sokolov: Tweet! Tweet! I'm just a birdy! STUPID-ASS SEVENTH GRADERS!!! YOU CAN'T KILL ME!! I AM INVINCIBLE!!! HAAHAHAHHAH!!!

Snake: Oh brother...

Oh noes! Will Snake ever lead Sokolov to safety? Find out in the next installment of Metal Gear Solid: Snake Eaten!


	3. Come Here, Kitty Kitty Kitty

Review Spotlight:

Alien Explosion- Um... no. Stratikeo is "The Boss". Remember? He said "Snake, try to remember some of the basics of CQC." xD Anyways I found out a good way to make the TIME PARADOX not seem old. Please read on. xD

TheDonutMistress- Ah the legendary MGS fic writer reviewed me! Thank the heavens!

**Metal Gear Solid: Operation Snake Eaten**

By Stratikeo

Author's Note: If you can count how many times Snake lost in the game after the series is finished... I'm going to be impressed... XD.

**_Chapter 3: Come Here, Kitty Kitty Kitty..._**

**((Still in Rassvet))**

Snake: Well, I can't get in... I'll try to get his attention.

-Snake goes around to the back and goes near the place where Sokolov's window is.-

Snake: Here goes nothing. -tosses a chaff grenade through the window-

Snake: That should wake him up. -realizes that what he threw was actually just a regular frag grenade- Uh oh...

BOOM!

Sokolov: -gets blown to bits-

Game: SOKOLOV IS DEAD... TIME PARADOX

Snake: I hate my life... -picks continue-

Snake: -breaks the door down and sees Sokolov burning some papers-

Sokolov: -burning some papers-

Snake: -points his gun around to check for enemies-

Sokolov: Are you here to kill me?

Snake: I'm not a seventh grader. I'm here to rescue you.

Sokolov: Then... are you with Volgin?

Snake: No.

Sokolov: -finishes burning papers-

Snake: Hurry up or else those pathetic kids will get suspicious.

Sokolov: Yes. Take me to America. OOOH SAAAAYY CAAAN YOU SEEE!!!!

Snake: Sshhhhhh!!! Quiet!

**(Student: "!" on head)**

-The student sees Snake-

**(Student: "RED !" on head)**

Student: HQ, intruder alert! Requesting for ba-

-Snake shoots the student with a tranquilizer dart-

-The student collapses-

**(Student: "Zzz" on head)**

HQ: What's going on? Respond! There is a possible intruder in the area. Sweep the place now!

**(Caution Mode)**

Snake: Damn it... Sokolov! Let's get out of here!

Sokolov: So we're skipping the long talk about Volgin and the whole war thing?

Snake: Unfortunately, yes.

Sokolov: ...

Snake: Now come on!

-When the both of them come out, some guy spinning a Makarov comes out.-

Ocelot: Well, well well... who have we got here? Are you really The Boss?

Snake: -does his goofy CQC stance-

Ocelot: What is that stance? -thinks deeply-

Snake: -still aimed at Ocelot-

Ocelot: -points to Snake- You're not The Boss... are you?

Snake: No. My name is Snake.

Ocelot: Oh. If you're not The Boss... then die.

Snake: ...

Ocelot: ...meow.

-nothing happens-

Snake: Isn't it supposed to be "RRAAAWWRRR!!!!".

Ocelot: Thanks for calling them for me.

Snake: Damn...

-GRU soldiers appear-

Student: Hey! You're some GRU person! Die!

Ocelot: -fires a test paper through his gun, killing the student-

-Ocelot does that fancy shooting thing and kills the rest.-

Snake: -startled-

Ocelot: You couldn't POSSIBLY be The Boss. You can't even beat a seventh grade kid!

Snake: I may not be, but I know as much as she does.

Ocelot: Oh DO you?

Snake: Yep.

Ocelot: So... how do they put the cream in the Twinkies?

Snake: I have no idea.

Ocelot: I knew it! You're an impostor!

Snake: ...well I noticed something though.

Ocelot: What?

Snake: That gun of yours... is loaded with compressed test papers which prove to be extremely lethal to seventh graders. And you tend to bend your arm and jerk it back a little to absorb the recoil. Pretty impressive, but isn't that a revolver technique?

Ocelot: -thinks-

Snake: Using a tactic learned right in the middle of a battle isn't very smart. You should know that by know.

Ocelot: Well, being in a stance like that isn't smart either. In fact, it's downright stupid.

Snake: STUPID?!?!? Hey! Close Quarters Combat is very effective!

Ocelot: Only when The Boss uses it...

Snake: Are you the president of her fan club or something?

Ocelot: The Boss is a she?

Snake: No comment.

Ocelot: So why the goofy stance?

Snake: Well, I can switch from a gun fight to a knife fight instantaneously.

**(Call from 140.85: Major Painendeass)**

Major: Snake... why are you talking to the enemy?

Snake: Well you know... probably 50 years from now my second son will take over his body and go on a killing spree or something.

Major: You know, I'm not even going to ask.

Snake: You better not, Major. You better not.

**(Call ends)**

Ocelot: Enough talk! Die! -tries to shoot Snake but the gun jams-

Snake: ...

Ocelot: DAMN IT!!!! -throws the gun away and tackles Snake-

Snake: Oof!

Sokolov: AAAAHHH!!! -runs away-

GRU Soldier: Colonel! He's getting away!

Ocelot: Forget him! Kill this guy!

GRU Soldier: But... he's scary!

Ocelot: God you're hopeless...

Snake: Scary? No, no nononono... I'm SEXY.. not SCARY... SEEXXYY.

GRU Soldier: Oh! You're sexy!

Snake: GAY! HAHA YOU'RE GAY!!! -shoots the GRU Operative with an MK22-

GRU Soldier: You... tricked.... me... -passes out-

Ocelot: Hah! Gotcha! -sends a powerful blow to Snake's "family jewels"-

Game: SOLID, LIQUID, AND SOLIDUS SNAKE ARE DEAD... TIME PARADOX

Snake: This is the dumbest simulation ever... -picks continue-

Game: SNAKE IS GAY... TIME PARADOX...

Snake: Son of a...

Game: HA HA HA HA.

Snake: -picks continue-

Ocelot: -attempts the low blow-

Snake: -grabs Ocelot's knuckle and throws him in a badass CQC style-

Ocelot: GYAAHH!! -falls and hits his head on a piece of metal-

GRU Soldier: ....

Snake: What are you guys looking at? -shoots the other guards with the MK22-

-Every GRU Soldier is now asleep-

Ocelot: You...

Snake: Well... I gotta admit. That was some fine shooting. You're pretty good.

Ocelot: Pretty.... good.... -passes out-

Snake: Hmm. Oh yeah! I'm the most badass soldier on the planet.

**(Call from 140.85: Major Painendeass)**

Major: Snake? Snake! What's your status?

Snake: Bad... ass.

Major: What?

Snake: Nothing. I just single-handedly knocked out four GRU operatives and their colonel.

Major: You're wasting precious time, Snake! You have to protect Sokolov! By the way, where is he?

Snake: Umm... I'll get back to you on that later...

Major: Wait! Snake what the hell are you-

**(Call ends)**

Snake: -looks for Sokolov- Where the hell is that old prune?

**((Dolinovodno))**

Snake: Sokolov! We have to get out of here!

Sokolov: Please... you have to get me out. I want to see my wife and daughter again in America.

Snake: I see. Well, you're going to see them pretty soon, old man.

Sokolov: Thank you very much.

Snake: Now follow me. -goes to the drawbridge-

Sokolov: -looks down to the river below and whimpers-

Snake: Don't look down!

Sokolov: -looks straight but he's still whimpering-

Snake: -sees someone in the distance- What the?

???: Well, hoooowwwwwddaaaayyyyy, Snake!

Snake: What? Who the hell are you?

???: Don't I sound familiar? -emerges form the fog-

Snake: You... you're Stratikeo!

Stratikeo: That's right.

Snake: What's with the getup?

Stratikeo: -is wearing some kind of sneaking suit- Hmm, it looks good on me.

Snake: It's horrible.

Stratikeo: Well that's not the point. -drops two heavy containers and the bridge rocks violently-

Sokolov: WHAHAHAAA!!! -falls on his ass-

Snake: Watch it!

Stratikeo: Know what these are? They're nukes.

Snake: Nukes? What for?

Stratikeo: That's not important. They're a gift for my new hosts.

Snake: Hosts?

Stratikeo: Guess what, Snake? I'm dissin' you! I'm movin' to Russia, baby! Yeah!

Snake: What? How could you? You're... wait! What could you do? You're just a kid! Don't fool around. Go home.

Stratikeo: In case you're forgetting, this is just... a simulation. -snaps his fingers-

Snake: What the?

Major Zero (the real one): Snake! What's going on? Log out of the simulation, now!

Snake: I can't something's blocking me!

Major Zero: We've been hacked by a dangerous individual named Stratikeo! The simulation program has been altered!

Snake: That's.... YOU!! -points to Stratikeo-

Stratikeo: That's right, Snake. I'm a hacker... and I use GameShark. You can't defeat me.

Snake: Just try, bitch!

Stratikeo: -puts his hand in front of Snake and he gets blown backwards-

Snake: ARGH! -falls-

Sokolov: AAAAAA!!!

Stratikeo: Quiet, old man!

-A helicopter hovers over the area-

Stratikeo: Say hello to my brothers!

Some Guy: We get to fight side by side again, boss!

Some Other Guy: I have waited long for this day...

Some Old Guy: We meet again... -eyes bulge out- ...boss.

Some Guy with a Mask: ...fire is fun... fire is your friend...

Some Other Guy: Oh shut up.

Stratikeo: BROTHERS! We shall fight together again!

-The Sky turns gray and it starts to rain-

Stratikeo: What? It's raining shit. Is he constipated?

-Some hooded ghostly guy on a toilet floats around and his face looks sour and farting sounds are heard-

Stratikeo: Wha...? -looks around and everything turns normal again-

???: Kuwabara... KUWABARA.

Stratikeo: Why... it's the fried chicken guy. Hey Volgin.

???: My my, what a joyful scene!

Stratikeo: Whatever.

Volgin: Welcome to my country... and to my unit.

Stratikeo: ...

Volgin: -hums the Rocky theme song- DAN! ...DAN DAN DAAAAN!!!

Stratikeo: ...

Volgin: -picks up the nuke casings- Recoilless nuclear warheads. This will make a fine gift for me.

Stratikeo: Now get out of here you filthy son of a dog.

Volgin: Woof woof! -runs off with the Davy Crockett-

Snake: Hey, why are you doing this?

Stratikeo: Because I'm the bad guy, idiot! Hey, get the old guy!

Some Guy: Roger that.

-Some bees and hornets appear and Some Other Guy picks up Sokolov-

Snake: SOKOLOV!!! I'm warning you. I'm going to shoot you! -aims his gun-

Stratikeo: Think you can pull the trigger?

Snake: Yes.

Stratikeo: Oh well. Die! -whoops Snake's ass with CQC and throws him off the bridge-

Snake: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!! -lands on the river-

Some Guy: The new blood has been rejected!

Stratikeo: He's just a child, too pure for us Cobras!

Some Other Guy: Boss, actually YOU'RE also a child... technically.

Stratikeo: Yeah, but I rock... and I made HIM roll.

Some Other Guy: Oooookaaaayyy...

Stratikeo: Oh yeah... oh yeah... I beat up Snake... oh yeah...

Volgin: WOOF!! WOOF!!

Stratikeo: Drift away... Jack.

Volgin: AAAWWOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Stratikeo: Oh shut up, Volgin! -throws a rock at him-

Volgin: AWOOF!! -passes out-

Oh noes! Did Snake survive Stratikeo's ass-whoopin'? Will Snake live to undergo a REAL mission? Find out at the next installment of... Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake is EATEN!!!


End file.
